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depressed |
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the vet performed an autopsy on dominik yesterday. well, i called wednesday, and they said they didn't have time to do it that day, but i should just go there and deliver him, so they could do it thursday morning. but she (the secretary) hadn't told me it costs something, so the vet didn't want to do it before she had talked to me about it, and made sure i was aware of it costs something. so she called me thursday morning, but i was sleeping, so i didn't hear the phone. and she also called me 2 times later in the day while i was still sleeping. i woke up around 1-2 pm. so i called when i woke up and talked to the vet. she asked me about how it happened and stuff, and she said that it sounded like he had a heart attack or something, since he wasn't sick and he was eating like he should and stuff. you know, acting normal. and cause it happened so sudden. and she said there was a big chance she wouldn't find anything, cause if he had like a heart attack, she wouldn't be able to see that. but she gave me till friday morning to think about it, if i still wanted her to do it. it was absolutely awful yesterday, to think about it all the time, and to make a decision. i was so scared, and i had a stomachache. i just couldn't think straight, and felt so sick and scared. the money wasn't an issue, that wasn't the problem at all. i think it was because i know how little a chance the vet have to find something. and because i've never gotten over when amalie passed away, just as sudden as dominik, cause the vet couldn't find out what was wrong when she performed an autopsy on her. i was scared i had to go through that again. it is awful enough as it is when someone you love passes away. and not knowing why, makes it even worse. i blamed myself for amalie's death. i was sure i had done something wrong. i blame myself for dominik's death as well well, deep inside i wanted the vet to perform an autopsy on dominik, cause even if she wouldn't find anything, i knew i had done what i could. and i couldn't live with knowing i hadn't done what i could. and even if she could just find just one little thing, it would be good enough anyway, so i talked with my mom about it thursday, she calmed me down, and stuff. and we came to the decision that the vet should perform the autopsy. so i called friday morning and said it. she called me back a few hours later, after she had finished the autopsy, and said it was most likely a thrombus in the heart, cause there was some blood around the heart that wasn't supposed to be there. and besides that, his viscera looked fine (kidneys, liver etc.) as i said, i also blame myself for dominik's death. well, he almost died in my hands, and i still think that's a little weird. i thought i had squeeze him too hard or something. even though i held him like i always do, i thought i had choked him :(. but the vet said that you can't do that just by holding them, and you would have to squeeze really really hard. of course i hadn't done that. like i said, i held him like i always do. but yeah, i still think it's weird he died right after i had taken him out. even though it is a thrombus anyway, i'm really really glad i made the right decision. cause now i know what it is but it doesn't make it easier at all. i've been having a stomachache since it happened, and haven't really felt like eating anything at all. but i do it anyway, cause, well, you gotta eat. and victoria? well, she's depressed too. i know she is. and that's not so strange. she lost her best buddy, and now she's all alone. she is so quiet, and all she wants to do is hide (in the cage). so i've given her a huge pile of hay she can tuck in. thankfully she's eating normally. i just can't get used to the silence from the cage. i'm used to them running around, and dominik's purring is what i miss most. bindi has gone quiet too. she used to wheek up a storm at all hours of the day. now she only does it when it's feeding time. victoria has started to do it too when it's feeding time. she didn't do that before. bindi misses him too, i'm sure. even though they didn't live together, they were good friends outside the cages. so yeah, he's greatly missed by us all
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